There are some people who can never be out of a relationship. They tend to have steady long-term relationships and they are the ones you’re certain will get married sooner or later. But, there are those of us who can never hold a relationship down. The sooner we get into a relationship is the sooner we get out of it. We are the ones who may never get married.  I used to think I was just picking the wrong guy, but now I’m starting to wonder, could it be me who is the problem?

John and I dated for exactly three months. We had a great relationship in the beginning; it was filled with my favourite word, fun. He had a lot of energy and we did all those interesting date-like events: movies, dinner, and going for walks. Somewhere before the three month point he wouldn’t call as much. I would be the one to initiate the calls. And by the three month point, my calls didn’t seem to go through. Of course, for me, that symbolized the end of another relationship. And I moved on. I’m left livid of course because I feel disrespected and I wasted my time with another idiot.

Other times, I find that I’m the one who is just not into the guy and I also don’t answer the calls as frequent as I would. The guy becomes less appealing to me in conversations on the phone or in person. I’m not impressed by the clothes he wears and I don’t feel engaged in our interactions. When I talk to him, the conversations become mundane for me, and I’m wondering how I can end this call without being rude.  When it gets to that point, I save myself the hassle by impolitely refusing to answer his calls, and of course, like me, he gets the picture.

I wonder if it’s karma though, I’m basically sowing what I reap. Because I know my relationships have all been short-lived, I’ve come to dislike dating all together. In my last few years however, I’ve made it a duty to change my approach. I’ve been putting more efforts in all my relationships; and not just with guys only. What I’ve found was a startling difference.

Jason and I were together for six months! I invested my time and energy to build our relationship. I took the time to meet his friends and family. I went out of my way to clean his apartment and to make dinner for him on weekends. There were things I didn’t want to do, but for the sake of the relationship I did it anyway. Although our relationship ended, and I was broken-hearted, what I learnt was that it’s better to put my whole heart in the relationship than not. It added more depth and meaning to both of our lives.

Now, when I analyse myself and currently building what seems like another wonderful relationship; I feel scared. Not because I’m worrying that it might end, I’m used to that, but because this might last longer than three or six months. I’m with a guy who is actually taking everything seriously. He seems committed to building our relationship and he is leaving me no choice but to do the same. I feel that I have to call him before he calls me or I have to cook for him because he drove all that way to see me. It’s not the feeling of obligation necessarily, but rather of desire.  I feel appreciated when I do those nice things because his response is encouraging. Although we’re at the beginning phases of our relationship, it feels like I’ve already achieved what I’ve spent three months building with other guys.

But while the interactions have all been nothing short of amazing, like he is everything I imagined in a guy; I’m starting to feel afraid. What if he really is the one I’m going to marry?  Will that mean I can never date again? I will never be in another three-month relationship. I can never dump another guy and get a new one. I will actually have to commit to this one relationship for the rest of my life. Other women find this to be a relief in their lives, but I’m feeling jitters in my stomach. I’m not so sure I want this kind of commitment. Where will the excitement go? What if the fun ends? What If I’m tired of waking up with the same guy on my bed? What if he snores too loud and I can’t get rid of him because it’s his room and his bed too. What should I do then?

So when I look back on my short-lived relationships, I’m thinking that this may have been my mechanism for getting out of what could become a long-term commitment. Though the separations leave me upset, I normally bounce back in no time and regain excitement from the next new guy. Now, I realized, it was never the guys who were at fault, it was me all along. I have been undeniably feeding my own fears of commitment all these years. And I’m wondering will I do the same in this ecstatic new relationship I’m in?