Die old flame, die

Is it true that every girl has a special someone in her life that her mind can never seem to discard? Someone whom you’ve known forever, dated, loved, at times wished you were still with him, and the reasons why you broke up in the first place seems to be vague. There are so many of my girlfriends who tell me of such a person. It’s often the high school sweethearts or the college sweethearts that make this cut but it’s the person you knew the longest, had enough time to see their dirty laundry and is unsure if you want to deal with it; but even though you’re still in another relationship, you still wonder, was he the one?

It’s not that you want to sell yourself short, or endure things that you know isn’t right. It’s just that the mind seems to be boggled up on this one person. From all the things you know about him, he is a nice person, he genuinely cares about you, he knows you well- enough to write a detailed summary of your whole life and paint a vivid picture of who you are.

The problem is, you’re unsure if he’s sincere, if you can endure the minor things about him that gets you aggravated which leads you to secretly wish for him to change. But will he change though? Has he shown any steps of improvement? Is this enough? Is he doing it now to get back with you, but when he knows he got you, he’ll return to his old self? This is the problem. You have forgiven his past behaviour but your mind can never overcome the past. It remembers what happened when you let your guard down the first time, and the second time, and even the third time. Now, is your heart wrong to feel unsure about this person? What makes him better this time? Why is he still sticking around? Is it you? or it is him?

As girls, we are trained to love and to care, to not give up on our relationships- we are emotional beings. We think that if someone authentically wants to be in our lives then why should we say no? We empathise with people on a whole. So this guy who can never seem to just disappear, who always tell you these ”nice” things that woos you everytime you talk to him, and makes you feel special for those moments is always lurking around. It’s not all his fault however, it’s your fault too. You are often the one to solicit this behaviour. More often than not, if you choose not to call or ever to correspond with this guy, the relationship dies. So the question is, why can you do that with every other relationship, including the one you are currently in, but you are so strung up on this old flame? What is it about him?

The answer to that is a mystery. Maybe he is too. The one confusing one that you can never wrap your hearts or mind around. The one that is so similiar to you, you’re starting to hate yourself for it. The one that does things to you that pisses you off and he is so comfortable in doing the pissing off, it makes you uneasy. You have to ask, how can this even work? If we live together, won’t we kill each other? Why are we arguing over stupid things? And how does the arguments start and stop so abruptly. What is it about him that my heart just cannot get enough of?

For me, it’s the fact that I know that he is the only one I have ever met that would be a perfect partner. The only one that would blend in with my family, the only one I’ve dated that comes from a similiar background as me; enjoys the same dishes as me, has similar interests as me and overall, communicates the same language as me, literally and figuratively. He is the only one that knows me so well. And inspite of our squabbles, he will still adore me because he cares. He is the only one that has stuck around the longest and still has strong feelings for me. Yet, I am still afraid that if I trust him, he will let me down. If I suggest to him that I want him, that he will turn around and flee in the opposite direction. I’m afraid that I won’t have this good of a relationship with him if I agree to date him again. So, I keep it less complicated by keeping him around. Dating others, but still feeling happy to know he is still there in my life. Is this wrong? I have no idea. But the truth is, I really don’t want him out of my life. There are some things I don’t like about him but I love what I know. And the more I think about it, I’d hate for him to marry someone else.

I cannot say why there’s always that one guy, and sadly to say he’s not always the one for us. I guess it’s just a waiting game- on life. This way, the flame won’t ever die, but it will burn slowly until one day in our lives, when we finally arrive on the same page, it might ignite with passion again. Until that day, if it ever comes, he’ll remain close and dear to your hearts. But should you choose to move on with your lives, you will also have the ability to move on without being marred emotionally.