May as well begin the farewell process. Happiness doesn’t last forever, and neither do vacations. Sooner or later the bliss ends, and reality begins. It’s just the way of life. I’m sad. Yes, I got used to life here; relationships, the sunshine, and the culture. I have come to embrace my own culture; the authentic piece of it, and not what I have been fed while living in Toronto. Yet, it seems I will have to leave behind all that I have learned to appreciate…again.
Each time, I am faced with this severing, it leaves me feeling uncomfortable and in agony. How many times must I say good-bye? How many times must I experience new relationships- and then walk away? How many times must I start over?
The heavy coursework has abruptly been reduced; leaving me nothing but perceived free time, and mentally I am not prepared for this. So many things I had wanted to do- planned for, yet I do not have the drive to captivate myself with more vacation-activities. The MBA program drained every ounce of my energy, and has placed me in another frame of mind, “more work and less play.” I am trying to figure out what to do with my days now- as there is so much reading one can do for one class. I am left to my own thoughts- sometimes feeling uncertain about where my future will take me, and other times, excited that I will use my new skills and experience to make a world of a difference.
Someone told me that crossroads are good. Because they are always brimming with possibilities. This I am hopeful for. But at every crossroads, it seems, you have to give up one thing for another. And you can only hope that your decision is the best one. It has to be. This program coming to an end is pushing me to make a decision about the next phase in my life. I am torn. My emotions have been wrapped up on this experience and letting go isn’t so easy. It has been a tough journey to be here, and after experiencing all kinds of emotions- anger, when things aren’t going so great, frustration about the things I have no control of, and joy when life doesn’t seem it could get any better- I am now feeling sad and disappointed that this season of life is coming to an end. Because, I am not ready to move on. Yet, when the program ends, so does my purpose for being in Jamaica.
Making the decision to change directions is really hard. I have been in this state of calamity too many times; perhaps because I have travelled and have called many places home. When I left Jamaica the first time, it was like ripping a band-aid from a fresh wound. But I regained stability, and found a new place to call home. Now, it seems I am about to endure a similiar process. I am looking for a way to find harmony in my soon-to-make decision. Because building relationships and then cutting them is just not okay. Is there a solution? Must I journey through life, emotionless?
Related: The End?
Perhaps, I will have to take my own preventative measure to overcome ‘this’; by making periodical visits, and be sure to take remnants of the experience with me- like, photographs of the memories, and contact information to stay in touch with those I cared about. Yes, it is inevitable that “all good things must end”, but it doesn’t mean that I have to lose all the people that played a part in my life. I simply cannot go through that again. Although I am saying good-bye to one season- maybe this is the door to another amazing experience. And maybe, just maybe this time, it is not ‘farewell’ afterall, but ‘welcome home’ instead.