This month you had my heart beating with no specific rhythm. In trying to be the perfect girl, I am not being true to myself. So, who do you say you love? It’s not the defensive, always-in-control, picky, freedom-lover chic you think you know. It’s the quiet, don’t question you, do-as-you say, pretty girl you enjoy being with. The honeymoon phase is no-doubt over, and I am done pretending.
I spent the better part of this month feeling guilty about my feelings. We seem so right for each other. Spending days and months looking out at your tantalizing view. I thought I would have wanted to spend my life here. I must have forgotten how fleeting feelings are. More and more, it no longer feels like I’m in Jamaica, that I could be anywhere in the world. I quickly remind myself that I am here, and the issues I am faced with some days probably only happens here.
Why are things so complex? The security officers guard the doors of knowledge, doing their best to not allow the “wrong” people in. First, I was told I needed a library card. Then I was informed of their process: Nothing is allowed in the library except your laptop in hand. No liquids. Nothing. It took me months to wrap my mind around that. But this month, I managed to enter, not once or twice but several times.
The longer I am here, the more I realize how complicated the small things can be.
It’s not like the attraction is wearing off, but I realize that there is more to know than what meets the eye. You are slow to reveal the intricate details of who you are, and I am making up my own assumptions about you. You are a challenge!
I’m looking up at the blue sky and enjoying the sun on my skin, and I am remembering what makes me happy. It’s the simpleness of life, having a peace of mind, nothing to think about, and just being free. Green is my new favorite colour and there’s much of it here. If all days could be like this. I’m ditching the headaches, heartaches, the uncertainties of love and I’m trading them in for something new.